June Humour

Just in Time For Summer Vacation



THE RULES OF RURAL ONTARIO ARE AS FOLLOWS

Listen up City Slickers!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 7 & 401 goes east and west, Hwy 15 & 416 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in Ontario waves. It's called "being friendly " . Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. There's little for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. OHL and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Leafs and Habs, and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17.. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Armed Forces. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).

20. 2 inches of snow & ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska, worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she

lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.



- What troubles you, Sister? asked the Mother Superior, I thought this was

the day you spent with your family.



- It was, sighed the Sister, and I went to play golf with my brother. We try

to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer

before I devoted my life to Christ.



- I seem to recall that, the Mother Superior agreed. So I take it your day

of recreation was not relaxing?



- Far from it, snorted the Sister. In fact, I even took the Lord's name in

vain today!



- Goodness, Sister! gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. You must tell me

all about it!



- Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par

5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my

life. I creamed it. T he sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying

straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in

mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!



- Oh my! commiserated the Mother. How unfortunate! But surely that didn't

make you blaspheme, Sister!'



- No, that wasn't it, admitted Sister. While I was still trying to fathom

what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and

runs off down the fairway!



- Oh, that would have made me blaspheme! sympathized the Mother.



- But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. And I was so proud of myself!

And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops

out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still

clutched in his paws!



- So that's when you cursed, said the Mother with a knowing smile.



- Nope, that wasn't it either, cried the Sister, anguished, because as the

hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the

hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his

paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'



Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,

fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... - You missed the f***ing

putt, didn't you?

Two ways to look at everything...................... My wife and I were
sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken woman swigging her drink, as
she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asks, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,'
I sighed. 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
started drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife.
'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?' So you see, there really are two ways to look at everything.

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in

the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys

playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his

sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face

into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood

Laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!'

she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the

Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

After Chelsea returned from a date,
Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks she's in love.


Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex, did you'?



Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'

This is hilarious....



---------------------------------------------------------
An old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in
her language was planning a camping trip in their motorhome with her
husband. While writing a letter to a campground to learn about their
facilities, she became concerned - she could not bring herself to write
the word "toilet" in her letter. She needed to know about the campground
toilets. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the
old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she
still thought she was being too forward. So she rewrote the letter -
this time referring to the bathroom commode as BC; "Does the campground
have it's own BC?", she wrote. The campground owner was puzzled when he
got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking
about. That BC business really stumped him. He showed the letter to
several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either.
The campground owner, finally came to the conclusion that the lady must
be asking about the local Baptist Church. He sat down and wrote the
following reply:



Dear Madam:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take
pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the
campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it
is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly,
but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people
take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early
and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are
marvelous...even the normal delivery sounds can be heard. The last time
my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to
stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that
right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are
going to hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to say it pains
me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no
lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an
effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to
our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit
with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a
friendly community.
Sincerely, (Campground Owner)

Three Rednecks were working up on a cell

phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent Cooter slips,
falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away,
Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his
wife.'

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff,
I'll do it.

'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of
Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' '

Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead
and she gave you a case of beer?'




'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the
door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow".'

She said, 'You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks Are Good At This Sensitive Shit

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being
interviewed for a job.

The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
The first man replied, 'A thought. It pops into your head, there's
no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is
the fastest thing I know of.'

'That's very good,' replied the interviewer.

And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.
'Hmmm, let me see...... a blink!,' said the second man. 'It comes
and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest
thing I know of.'

'Excellent!', said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye. That's a
very popular cliche for speed.'

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across
the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.Turning on a
light is the fastest thing I can think of.'

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of
light.', he said .
Turning to the fourth man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same
question.

After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the
fastest thing known is diarrhea,' said the Newfie.

'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh, I can explain,' said the Newfie, 'You see, the other day I
wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could
think, blink,or turn on the light, I shit my pants.'
He got the job.

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in

the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys

playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his

sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face

into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood

Laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

' Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!'

she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the

Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes.'

A Mountie stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the
red light violation. The 'Motorist' instantly goes on a tirade,
questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in
rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an 'AH' in the lower
right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to the 'Violator' for his signature. The guy signs
the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to
the 'AH' and demands to know what it stands for.

The Mountie says, 'That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that
you're an Asshole!'
Two months later they're in court. The 'Violator' has such a bad
driving record he is about to lose his licence and has hired a lawyer
to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man
run the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney
asks; 'Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued
my client?'
Officer responds, 'Yes sir, that is the defendants copy, his signature
and mine, same number at the top.
Lawyer: 'Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
ticket you don't normally make?'
Officer: 'Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is
an 'AH,' underlined.'
Lawyer: 'What does the AH stand for, officer?'
Officer: 'Aggressive and Hostile Sir.'
Lawyer: 'Aggressive and hostile?'
Officer: 'Yes Sir?
Lawyer: 'Officer, Are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?'
Officer: 'Well Sir, You know your client better than I do!'

New Wine for Seniors
(BUY STOCK IN THIS NOW, CAUSE IT'S REALLY
GOING TO TAKE OFF!)


California vintners, in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to
make to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as..



PINO MORE


I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

1. Losing all your friends



Man comes home and finds his wife with his

friend in bed.He shoots his friend and kills him.

Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL

your friends.'







2. Brother wanted



A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a

brother'....

Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR

MOTHER'....







3. Meaning of WIFE



Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It

means 'Without

Information Fighting Everytime'!'

Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For

Ever'!!!'







4. Importance of a period



Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a

period?'

Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my

mom fainted, dad got

a heart attack & our driver ran away.'







5. Confident vs. confidential

A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference

between confident and

confidential? '

Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that.

Your friend over

there, is also my son, that's

confidential! '







6. Anger management?



Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you control

your anger?'

Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'

Husband: 'How does that help?'

Wife: 'I use your toothbrush .'

scottish style

A Scotsman goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds
himself a prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae yee charrrge forrrr an hourrr?'

'$100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, do yee do Scottish style?'

She then says no, not knowing what Scottish style was.

He then asks her, 'I'll pay you $200 to do it Scottish style.'

Again she declines his offer.

So he then offers her $300.

She says, 'No!'

So finally he says, 'I'll give yee $500 to go Scottish style with me!'

Finally she agrees thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10
years

now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from
weirdo's from every corner of the world. How bad could Scottish style be?'

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and
in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was fantastic. I've
never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and
disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?'

The Scotsman replies... 'I'll pay ye next week.'

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.'


Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it.
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Flowers In The Nude


Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local
town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over
and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For
$5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower
show!'

'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first
little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and,
completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the
front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,
followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked
old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.

'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'