July Humour

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted
by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,'
said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes
of your time, I would
like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners.' 'Go away,'
said the old lady. 'I haven't got any money, I'm broke!'
As she proceeded to
close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed wide
open. 'Don't be too Hasty,' he said. 'Not until you have
at least seen my
demonstration.' And with that , he emptied a bucket of
horse manure on to
her hallway carpet. 'If this vacuum cleaner does not
remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally
eat the remainder.
The old lady stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've
got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this
morning.

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true!!!!!





John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.





The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on .





The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.





Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.





A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.






Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...







"Look Paddy.....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

A Newfie Joke






Bob and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NFLD.

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bob said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Jim says 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. --- You wanna try it?'

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bob wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

Nothing!

Then the phone rings....It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

Bob says, 'I feel great. How about you?'

Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

Bob says, 'No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'

Jim says, 'Yeah, well there's just one thing... Have you farted yet?'

Bob says, 'No.....'

Well,' Jim says, 'DON'T! I'm in Thunder Bay!

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for along time. At the urging of their friends they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to approach the subject of their physical relationship. ' How do you feel about sex?' he asked rather hesitantly.

' Well ' she said. responding very carefully, ' I'd have to say....I would like it infrequently. '

The old gentleman sat quietly for a few moments then over his glasses he looked her in the eye and casually asked ' Is that one word or two words? '

MY NEXT LIFE
By George Carlin

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day .


You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party,
and you're generally promiscuous.

Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions, central heating, room service on tap, and then...You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.



At a recent rural elementary school assembly in EastTexas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.



Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'



Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:



''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping.'

The Toronto Maple Leafs foreign scout flies to Afghanistan to watch a young Afghan boy play hockey in the new Canadian sponsored league in Kandahar City. After a hard fought game against the Norwegian-led squad, the scout is suitably impressed and arranges for the young boy to come over to Canada.



The Leafs sign him to a one year contract and the kid joins the team for the preseason.



Two weeks later the Leafs are down 4-0 to the Senators with only 10 minutes left. The coach gives the young Afghan the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - scores 5 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game!



When the player comes off the ice he phones his mom to tell her about his first day of NHL hockey. "Hello mother, guess what?" he says.

"I played for 10 minutes today, we were 4 goals to 0, but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."



"Wonderful," says his mom, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time, playing a game!!"

The young Afghan is very upset. "What can I say mother, but that I am so sorry."



"Sorry? You're Sorry?" says his mom. "It's your fault we moved to Toronto in the first place."

When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom. I don't know what got into me, but I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
'Doin' just fine!'

And the other person says:
'So what are you up to?'

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
'Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here.'

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question:
'Can I come over?'

Ok,this question is just too weird for me. I figured I could politely end the conversation. I say:
'No......I'm a little busy right now!!!'

Then I hear the person say, nervously:
'Listen, I'll have to call you back.
There's an idiot in the next stall who keeps answering all my questions before you do!!'

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2008 Darwinawards: (The demise of the unfittest)


Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who 'totally zoned when he ran', accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom! When it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up! and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable, lay near by. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other end to the bridge.. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle..

He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

******* AND THE WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.

It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

WE SHOULD THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL

As good as this is,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
He'll buy the fifth drink.
'Well, Angus,' said the Englishman, 'At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'
'Ahhh, dat's nothin',' said the Newfie. 'Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!'
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.
'Well,' said the Englishman, still suspicious. 'Did this actually happen to you?'
'Not meself, personally, no,' admitted the Newf. 'But it did happen to me sister quite a few times.

THREE OLD GUYS

'Sixty is the worst age to be,' said the 60-year-old man. 'You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.'
'Ah, that's nothin,' said the 70-year-old. 'When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!'
'Actually,' said the 80-year old, 'Eighty is the worst age of all.' 'Do you have trouble peeing, too?' asked the 60-year old.
'No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.'
'So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?'
No, I have one every morning at 6:30.'
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, 'You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?'
'I don't wake up until 7:00.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone
started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other
in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was
empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without
moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in
his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who
I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?'
Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can
kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're
still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man.. More than a
little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly
replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Some of these have been around before but here they are anyway:

AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out
of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive.....

So, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....

*****************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor
is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay
in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in
such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down
the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

"Who said my Dad's dead? "

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with
me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk, that's
why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says , "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting
frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this
morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use
the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my
granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the
word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see
RockCity and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you
to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally
decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate',
so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but
her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

Little



There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour and astringent. They will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell - they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, with the lap dances and other 'special services'.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

> Two nuns are driving through Europe by car.
>
> They get to Transylvania & are stopped at a light, whenDracula jumps
>
> onto the hood of the car and starts to hiss thought thewindshield.
>
> Quick , quick shouts Sister Catherine " what shall we do?"
>
> "Turn the windshield wipers on, that will get rid of the
>
> abomination" says Sister Helen.
>
> Sister Catherine turns them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
>
> and continues hissing at the nuns "what shall I do now?" she shouts.
>
> "Switch on the windshield washer, I filled it up with Holy Water from the
>
> Vatican" says Sister Helen.
>
> Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings
>
> on and continues to hiss at the 2 nuns.
>
> "Now what ?" shouts Sister Catherine.
>
> "Show him your cross" says Sister Helen.
>
> "Now your talking," says Sister Catherine.
>
> she opens the window and shouts, " Get the F??? off the car!"

Drive Thru Confessional ... The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.' 'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked into the office and said, “We need some four-by-twos.”

The clerk said, “You mean two-by-fours, don’t you?” The man said, “I’ll go check,” and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, “Yeah, I meant two-by-fours.”

“Alright. How long do you need them?” The customer paused for a minute and said, “Uh… I’d better go check.”

After awhile, the blonde returned to the office and said, “A long time. We’re gonna build a house.”

joeileen

*California** -156 years ago!
Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California ?


California became a state.
The State had no electricity.
The State had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.


So basically, it was just like California today except the women
had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.*

Humor - Computer skills]]


This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...

Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet...
it's still on my desk... sorry....


===============


Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to
the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


===============


Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me!
I'm not Bill Gates, dammit!


===============


Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted
the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it...


===============


Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


===============


Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for
me at the 7-11.


===============


Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


===============


Tech support: Your password is the small letter a as in
apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7...
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


===============


Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.


===============


Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


===============


Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has
placed a screen saver on my computer, but every
time I move the mouse, it disappears.


===============


Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but
how do I get the circle around it?


===============


A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a
problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is
a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me
is under a window, and his printer is working fine.


===============


And last but not least...

Tech support: Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up
the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!