June Humour

Outa the Mouth of Babes!

1)
This is a picture of an octopus.. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)




2)
Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)



3)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea
all round you, you are incontinent.. ( Wayne age 7)



4)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)



5)
A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age




6)
My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)



7)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William age 7)




I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And
how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)



9)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big
sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age
6)



10)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)



11)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin age 6)



12)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age



13)
On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up
her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

A True Story from the Jacksonville, Fl, Police Dept.

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the man to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Joe is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.


True story: Told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

NAILS
Two blondes with hammers, Ann and Susie, were doing some carpentry work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Ann, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Susie, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Ann explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.'
Susie got very upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'.

CAR DENTS
A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The mechanic saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like, hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'


DRIVE-IN MOVIE
Did you hear about the two blondes who almost froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter'.

THE THERMOS
A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'That's a thermos ... It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing .. I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that?' he asked. 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blonde replied, 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST:
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and the blonde works as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'Are you okay?' he asks. 'No,' exclaims the blonde, 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'

All you
guys who have had a colonoscopy or will be having one, Enjoy...









I
called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy
showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears
to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through
Minneapolis
. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I
didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking,
quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any
solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically
water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the
MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then
you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery
bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you
jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here,
but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much
the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times




when
you wish thecommode had a seat belt. You spend several hours




pretty
much confinedto the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate




everything.
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you




have to
drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell,




your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you
haven't even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next
morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only
was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional




return
bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?'
How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
would




not be
enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood
and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they
led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside
a




little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those
hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you
put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka




in
their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of
this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to
make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room,
where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not
see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll
over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something
up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and
I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to
Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular




procedure,
'Dancing Queen' has to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because



I am
going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was
all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
never been prouder of an internal organ.

The
Golfer's Poem





In
my hand I hold a ball....




white and dimpled, rather small...
Oh , how bland it does appear....
this
harmless looking little sphere....
By its
size I could not guess....
the
awesome strength it does possess....
But since
I fell beneath it's spell....
I've
wandered through the fires of hell..
My life
has not been quite the same....
Since I
chose to play this stupid game....
It rules
my mind for hours on end...
A fortune
it has made me spend....
It has
made me swear and yell and cry....
I hate
myself and want to die....
It
promises a thing called par....
If I can
hit straight and far....
To master
such a tiny ball....
should not
be very hard at all .
But my
desires the ball refuses....
and does
exactly like it chooses....
It hooks
and slices, dribbles and dies.....
and even
disappears before my eyes....
Often it
will take a whim....
to hit a
tree or take a swim....
With miles
of grass on which to land....
it finds a
tiny patch of sand....
Then has
me offering up my soul....
if only it
would find the hole....
It's made
me whimper like a pup....
and swear
that I will give it up....
And take a
drink to ease my sorrow....
but the
ball knows.... I'll be back tomorrow[

The Queen and Dubya

Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen! They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they board a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering
Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire and the smell was so excruciating, both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the coach but the two dignitaries of state do their best to "ignore" the incident. The Queen turns to President Bush, "Mr President please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George Bush, as always trying to be "presidential", replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: 'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through.

So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day.

Amen!'

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.

He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, Awakened the kids,

Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank to make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced the check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then, it was already 01P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds, Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust,

And sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids,

And put them to bed.

At 09 P.M .

He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: - 'Lord, I don't know what I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.

Please, oh! Oh! Please, let us trade back.

Amen!'

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'

Drive Thru Confessional ... The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,'You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.'

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, 'And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony.' 'Thank you, Father,' answered the young priest. 'I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.'

'All of these ideas have been well and good,' said the elderly priest, 'But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.'

'But, Father,' protested the young priest, 'my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!'

'Yes,' replied the elderly priest, 'And I appreciate that. But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof.'

Housework !
<blockquote>
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from
work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and
another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She
was astonished!


It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, 'Wives who
work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have
sex'.


The night went very well.


The next day, she told her office friends all about it. 'We had a
great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do
their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really
enjoyed the evening.'


'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.


'Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired..'


God is good. </blockquote>

A Modern Parable
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company

(Ford Motor) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri
River Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their

peak performance before the race.



On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.



The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to

investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A

management team made up of senior management was formed to

investigate and recommend appropriate action.



Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1

person steering, while the American team had 7 people

steering and 2 people rowing.



Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management

hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of

money for a second opinion.



They advised, of course, that too many people were steering

the boat, while not enough people were rowing.



Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting

to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing

team's management structure was totally reorganized

to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering

superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering
manager.



They also implemented a new performance system that would

give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work

harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First

Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the

rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles,

canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for

practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to

"equal the competition" and some of the resultant

savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and

teamwork posters.



The next year the Japanese w on by two miles.



Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower,

halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles,

and canceled all capital investments for new equipment.
The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as

bonuses.



The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower

was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so

he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe

equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was

out-sourced to India.



Sadly, the End.



Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent

the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the

US , claiming they can't make money paying American
wages.



TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a

dozen plants inside the US . The last quarter's

results:



TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9

billion in losses.



Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and

collecting bonuses...



IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY

Don't Tease Old Ladies




Defence Attorney:

Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring
evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down
beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good
in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just lay down and told
him
Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!!!

Little
Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything.... Tutors,
Mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything
they could think of to help his math.

Finally,
in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the
local Catholic school.
After
the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his
face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and
papers were spread
out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room
without a word, and
in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This
went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to
understand what made all the difference.

Finally,
little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the
table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
Little
Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said,

'Son,
what was it?
Was it the nuns?'
Little
Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.

'Well,
then,' she replied,
Was
it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? '

WHAT
WAS IT ALREADY?'

Little
Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when
I saw that guy nailed to the ''plus sign'', I knew they weren't fooling
around.'

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.



'My name is Carmen,' she told him.



'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'



'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'



'What's your name?' She asked.



He said, 'B J. Titsengolf'

TORONTO STAR REPORTING





A man is riding his bike
through the TORONTO ZOO, when he sees a little girl leaning into the
lion cage.

Sudde nly, a lion grabs a
cuff of her jacket sleeve and tries to pull her inside before the eyes
of her screaming parents.

The man jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering in pain the lion jumps back releasing the little girl, and
the man brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him
endlessly.

A Toronto Star reporter witnesses the
whole scene and runs up to interview the man, and says: "Sir, that was the most gallant and brave
thing I've ever witnessed . What do you do for a living?"





[i][i]"I'm
a Member of Parliament. It was nothing, really. I just saw this little
kid in danger and did what I felt was right." [/i][/i]

"Well,
I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and
tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What party are you
with?"

[i][i]"The
Conservative Party of Canada ."
[/i][/i]
The journalist leaves. The following morning, the MP buys the paper to
see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front
page:


HARPER
THUG ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT
AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!

Thanks
for your help...???


I just want to thank all of you for your
educational emails over the past year


Thanks to you, I no longer open a public
bathroom door without using a paper towel


I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping
through the adult movie channels

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or
on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain
all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone
who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving
alone is picking your nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the
number one space.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a
guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I
have consumed over the years.


I can't
touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a
public bathroom. Yuck!


I must
send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the
glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every
envelope that needs sealing.


Also, now
I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no
longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no
longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every wish.


I no
longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to
you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an
email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of
your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without
taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in
my back seat when I'm pumping gas..


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper
since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put
'Under God' on their cans.


I no longer use Saran wrap in the
microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't
boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in
my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay
phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or
FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are
French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because
someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill
with calls to Jamaica , Uganda & Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from
Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's
toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the
seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks
to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking
lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I
can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you
don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician..

Have a
wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina ,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient
brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too
late.

SNOTTY
RECEPTIONIST















An older
gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who Shared offices
with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled With patients.















As he
approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the Receptionist was a
large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo Wrestler. He gave her his
name.















In a very
loud voice, the receptionist said, 'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU
WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'
















All the
patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around To look at the
very embarrassed man.















He
recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME
TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME
DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'















DON'T
MESS WITH OLD FOLKS

>> A man had lost one of his arms in an accident. One day he felt
>> terribly
>> depressed and decided to commit suicide.
>>
>> He got into an elevator and went to the top of a building to
>> jump off.
>> He
>> was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping
>> along,
>> whistling and kicking up his heels..
>>
>> He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
>>
>> He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for
>> myself. I
>> still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a
>> man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on
>> with his
>> life.
>>
>> He hurried down to the street and caught up to the man with no
>> arms.He told
>> him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his
>> arms and
>> felt
>> ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
>> again for
>> saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that
>> guy could
>> go on with no arms.
>>
>> The man with no arms began dancing and kicking up his heels again.
>>
>> The one armed man asked, 'why are you so happy anyway?'
>>
>> He said, 'I'm NOT happy .... my ass itches

Ever had a colonoscopy? If so, you will appreciate this!

This is from Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: ( Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist
for the Miami Herald. )

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed
me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all
over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then
Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring
and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear
anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription
for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold
a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice
it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's
enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all
I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.)
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because
MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit
and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel
movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off
your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but:
Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything.

And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning
my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried
about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of
MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you
apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and
totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a
room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little
curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadistic perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand.
Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already
lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then
I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where
Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the
17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I
was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side,
and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my
hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' has to
be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,'
I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than
a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to
tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really, I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, Feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I
was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was
looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even
more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon
had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

You'll never guess what just
happened!

This morning I received
a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see
if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild,
romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked
if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old
magic."

I was flabbergasted. "I don't know if I could keep pace
with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when
you last saw me.

Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge"


"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a man with a
waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my lack of
muscle tone...stuff sagging and jowls like a Great Dane!

She laughed
and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby,
gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a
great lover.

Then she giggled and said, "As a matter of fact, I've put
on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to F*** off.

In Mysterious Ways....

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed in shaky handwriting to "God". With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Xmas dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God, can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £96.

Using an official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it and
our Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office."

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river.

Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'

Poof! ..... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'

Poof! .... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.'

Poof! .... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge..............

Divorce:

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce,
and asked, What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the
property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never
really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like
the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My
husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"