Aug. Humour

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her
grown grandson who is coming to visit .

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I
am inna apartmenta 301 .

There issa bigga panel at the front door. With
you elbow, pusha button 301.

I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator
is on the right.

Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3.

When you get out, I'mma on the left. With
you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting
all these buttons with my elbow?

"What . . . . . .. .
You coming empty handed?"

The Pope and Golfing

Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish people for the
treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel
Sharon, then Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College

of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two

leaders, or their representatives, to demonstrate the friendship and
ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews.

The Pope met his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness" said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to
challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable
to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the
world."

The Pope thought about this and, because he had never held a golf
club in his life, asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"

"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But there is
a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout
Catholic. We could offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to

play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to
showing our spirit of co-operation, we will also win the match."

Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made.

Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a
representative of the Pope.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform

the Pope of the result. "This is Cardinal Nicklaus. I have some good

news and some bad news, your Holiness," said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus", said the Pope.

"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have
played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the
best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from
above.

My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful,

and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly
miraculous."

"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked.

Nicklaus sighed, "I lost by three strokes to Rabbi Tiger Woods.

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T .... I used to like the little shit.............

Rose and Barb




Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited
her every day. One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both
loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we
played all through High School. Please do me one
favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me
know if there's women's soft-ball there.'

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said,
'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If
it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.'
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened
from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light
and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'


'Who is it?' asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'

'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'

'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'

'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.

'Rose! Where are you?'

'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good
news and a little bad news.'

'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.

'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's Softball
in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died
before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all
young again. Better still, it's always springtime,
and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can
play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'

'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest
dreams! So what's the bad news?'

'You're pitching Tuesday.'


Life is uncertain - eat dessert first.

An elderly couple are attending church services.About halfway through,
she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says: 'I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?

'He scribbles back, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid!'

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
5. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
6. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
7. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A
8. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it!
9. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
10. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
11. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
12. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is just two-tired.
13. A will is a dead giveaway.
14. A backward poet writes inverse.
15. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
16. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
17. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in linoleum blownapart.
18. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
19. A calendar's days are numbered.
20. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
21. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
22. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
23. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
24. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

*HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.......*

* ***


*It's hard to find a Friend who is:*
*96% Funky*
*97% Sexy*
*98% Loving *
*99% Talented*
*and*
*100% Sweet*
*so......*





*don't lose me, okay?? ** *

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the
wife says,

'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here
naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the
table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years
ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your
coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

Two robins were sitting in a tree.


"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.

"O K," said the first.

So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat come up and gobbled them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

This friend went to a shrink and told him



'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'



'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so! With an attitude he asked and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now ! ! ! '





FORGET THE SHRINKS.. GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.
One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crac k of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left!!!

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph…

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'Ralph! Wake up. You s*it the bed!'

A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. Some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
--Mellanie, 7 years old

'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lilly, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
--Jack, 7 years old

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Pic of a very young Michael Phelps

Two medical students were walking along the street in Minneapolis
when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend: 'I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.'

The other student says: 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached the old man and one of the students said to him:
'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you
walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said: 'I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think.'

One of the students said: 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'

The old man said: 'You thought.......... but you're wrong.'

Then the other student said: 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'

The old man said: 'You thought.......... but you're wrong.'

So they asked him: 'Well, what do you have?' And the old man said:

'I thought it was a fart.....................but I was wrong.'

Boycott





Help me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch since they sold out to a foreign
company!

Drop your beer off at my house & I will dispose of it!!

We'll teach those bast**ds a lesson!!!

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little dust broom!!!"


"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.







"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"




Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan. Life's too short not to enjoy... even these silly little cute..... and clean jokes

Sounds to me like she's been "sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!