Sept.Humour

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Otago. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'
The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'
The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Otago. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.''
The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'



(I love this part)



The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.'

Judge to prostitute, 'So when did you realize you were raped? '

Prostitute, wiping away tears: 'When the check bounced.'

Only a Mom would know

* Cup of Tea
* One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home..

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know...

'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches

I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'


'No more headaches?' the husband asks,'What happened?'

His wife replies,'Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to

Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat ,

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'



'It worked! The headaches are all gone.'



His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of

fire In the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'



The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts

her On the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and

jumps Into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I'll be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even

Better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is

spinning.


Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.


This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,

she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,



She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!'



His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Ain't it the Truth!!!
A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks.
"115," she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale.
It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 8," she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5"

She then takes her blood pressure
And tells the woman it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" she screams,
"When I came in here I was tall and slender!
Now I'm short and fat!"



Flour and Water

How come when you mix water and flour together


you get glue?..
and then you add eggs
and sugar...
and you get cake?


Where did the glue go ?



NEED AN ANSWER?

You know darned well where it went!



That's what makes the cake
Stick to your BUTT

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports
car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does
it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on
it .'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at
it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back
saying, ! 'OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer,

had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE

Warning! This is really happening..funny

You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their

kidneys removed by black-market organ thieves.



My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago.

I went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just

that quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose

thighs were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire

summer looking for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned

myself to living out my life in jeans. And then the thieves struck

again.



My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they

took pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me

with earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches

lower than my original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in

favor of long skirts.



Two years ago I realized myarms had been switched. One morning

I was fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper

arm swing to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was

really getting scary - my body was being replaced one section at a

time. What could they do to me next?



When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a

turkey neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up

and smell the coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL

replacement body parts -stolen from you and me! The next time someone

you know has something 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?



THIS IS NOT A HOAX. This is happening to women everywhere every

night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!



P.S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was

lying in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was

relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I

slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

THE SILVER SCREW


Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place, was a silver screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... he was screwed.


All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house.... and thus, never made any friends.


One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal ..


After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery.... and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.


The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver. In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.


The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!


Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.


The moral to this is:


'Don't screw around with things you don't understand........ you could lose your ass.'

Marriage pants

Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for
a little chat. He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding
night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your
mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are
too big, I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in
this family and I always will.'

'Ever since that night we never had any problems.'

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his
honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these
on.'
She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'
Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.

Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said,
'Here-you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.'
Karen said, 'Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude,
you never will.' And they lived happily ever after.

THE COUNTRY PREACHER

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time
the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like
many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,
and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to
try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his
study table four objects:

a Bible
a silver dollar
a bottle of whisky
a Playboy Magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to
himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see
which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a
blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be
a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the
bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a
shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that
magazine
he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as
he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy
tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he
spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he
walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and
placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and
dropped
it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink
while he admired the Playboy Magazine's monthly centerfold . . . .

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered,
"he's gonna run for Congress!"
Or President.

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the na me of good GOD are you doing?"
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)





She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."
===========================================================================


Subject: funny

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me,
poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
============================================================================




WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.



Keep reading-they get better!!!



WOMEN'S REVENGE



'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.



As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,



And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)



I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

And still be afraid of a spider.





;

___________________________________






MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?







___________________________________






CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

To get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobac co

And some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... So does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)







___________________________________






WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

Neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'







___________________________________






WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'







___________________________________






CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !







___________________________________






WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

Should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and

showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS' ___________________________________





The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

And were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the

man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

At 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn' t wakened him,

when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It

is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

"

MATRIMONY?


You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________





At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."





__________





A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."





__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.





__________





A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .





__________
A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."





__________
A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."





__________





Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."





__________





Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.





__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________





Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.





__________
First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."





_________
AND NOW FOR MY FAVORITE!!!



Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up

The broken lawnmower
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is usually the husband.
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow, I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in The tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.


When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Ron's Surgery

When Ron first noticed that his penis was growing larger
And staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
[]
But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.
[]
Ron became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and
Even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.


After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that,
Though rare, Ron's condition (Donkey Doodle,) it could be fixed through corrective surgery.
[]
'How long will Ron be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.


'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

A blind man wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.He finds his way
to a bar stool and orders a beer.After sitting there for awhile, he yells to
the bartender,'Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.In a very deep, husky voice, the
woman next to him says,'Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only
fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.Now, think
about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'


The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.



She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."



"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.



A few minutes later she came back out and the whole place erupted into a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"



"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see, every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out," said the bartender. "Now, how about that drink?"

Although political, this is too true and too funny not to pass along.




-
Ottawa Fence Repair

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at The Parliament buildings in Ottawa. One from Ottawa , another from Montreal and the third, from Toronto . They go with a Parliament Official to examine the fence. The Montreal contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. 'Well,' he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.' The Toronto contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.' The Ottawa contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the Parliament official and whispers, '$2,700.' The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?' The Ottawa contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Toronto to fix the fence.' 'Done!', replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how it all works !!!

Two Indians and an Newfie were walking through the woods.

All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the
mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and
listened closely until he heard an answering,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Newfie was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what
it was all about,.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating
season when Indian men see cave, they holler

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an
answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave.

The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered,

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Newfie wandered around in the woods alone for a while,
and then spied a third large cave.

As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening,
he was thinking,

'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than
those the Indians found.

There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an
answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'



With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced
into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............




You'll like this


NAKED NEWFIE RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!

Did you hear about the 87 year old woman who lost her husband?
She was so despondent that she decided to end it all by shooting herself in the heart.
Not knowing much about guns, she asked a friend where she should aim to hit her heart.
Her friend told her to put the gun just below her left breast and pull the trigger.
The next morning she was admitted to hospital
with a gunshot wound to her left knee!

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture.



Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.



The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.'



The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'



The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'



And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.



With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'



The Irishman replies, 'Indeed, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

Subject: Dentures

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
Is that so? asked the first old guy. Did he do a good job? The second oldster replied, Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least
200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles.
The first old guy was confused and asked, What the heck does that have to do with your dentures?

It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt.....

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her.

'Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?
Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!?
Out of here, ye shameless harlot!
Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad-- as ye wish.
I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex.
And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...................... (takes a breath).............
and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... ...'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! By Jesus!
Ye scared me half to death, girl!
I thought ye said a Protestant.
Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!