How to Bath a Cat

An Open Letter for Pet Hygiene

To Man or Lady of the House,

This is a great efficient way to clean your cat. Follow the following steps:

Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
With Love,

Your Dog

I've seen this before and it never fails to make me laugh!

My cat loves the toilet...until you pick him up near it...he'll stand on it...drink out of it....watch it flush......but when you pick him and bring him near it he scratches and screams like crazy......this just reminded me of that....haha

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a person must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantages of quickness and utter disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower (a simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions).

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish (cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney).

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles.

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off (the national record is - for cats - three latherings, so don't expect too much).

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait (occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg). After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

Do NOT try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum cleaner.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.

- By Bud Herron

We had cats and tried to bath them for fleas

My cat is ok in the shower....as long as I hold him close to me he likes it...as soon as I start to let him go he freaks out like he's going to die...hahaha....it's too funny....

1) Pick cat up and
cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position forefinger and thumb on either side of
cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to
close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat
in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm while
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count
of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to
hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.
Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans; drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from the neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic
band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date
of last tetanus jab. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers, forearm, and removes pill remnants from
right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters.

Training your human is a thankless task.
"Why bother with it?", some kittens may ask.
The fate of the world is the issue at hand,
as felines worldwide stake a claim for their land.
Make no bones about it, we cats own the joint.
We spray in the corners to drive home the point.

Some say the meek shall inherit the Earth,
But they've no fangs or claws, for what that's worth.
The cat is the ultimate species, you see,
We're poised to usurp man's authority.
These silly old humans who cannot play nice!
We cats are peaceful, we hate only mice.

Just what does training your human entail?
A host of fun things you must do without fail:
The sofas and rugs need a little makeover.
The La-Z-Boy's target for kitty takeover.
Then sleep on clean towels placed in the guest bath.
And make their best clothing a target of wrath.

Tear down those new drapes with a quick forceful tug.
Then tatter the pile of the new berber rug.
And when they are sleeping, you block off their nose,
paw at their lower lip, chew on their toes.
Strut on the mantle. If they give any flack,
knock down their trophies and all bric-a-brac.

Shed on mom's new velvet black evening gown,
as she's headed out for a night on the town.
If they leave you home all alone for the night,
(Any human doing this can't be all that bright),
They're telling you by leaving, it's perfectly all
right, To totally redecorate 'til dawn's early light.
Knock over tables and chew up the fern.
Hurry, go faster! Soon, they'll return...

When they try to punish, you mustn't show concern.
(All attempts of discipline a pussycat should spurn).
A snide flick of tail will convey no remorse,
but they will try harder to scold you, of course!
So, hide in the closet until they forget,
and then launch out just like an F-14 jet.

Tear up their ankle, their forearm, their hand,
then when they've had all the pain they can stand,
dart from the room while they call 9-1-1,
and celebrate victory: The felines have won!
To humans, however, the battle's begun,
as they steep in their anger and wish for a gun.

Pathetic and lumbering and clumsy to boot,
My friend, human dominance is really a hoot.
Take charge in your home. It's destiny, meow.
(The verses above have already told how).
So sleep for an hour, and then grab some chow,
And then train your human, beginning right now.

My ten year old Siamese and I got along just fine till a month ago. We moved. That was probably enough, we upset her routine. I got the job of putting her in the pet carrier, after 35 days she still hides under beds when I'm around.

Stevef we had a Siamese cat for 20 years he trained dogs my son came home with 3 different dogs over 10 years samsue stayed the boss